Ang, how did you not drink?

Last Wednesday night I was sitting at my rehab Alumni Support Group and the facilitator asked, "Does anyone have anything they'd like to share?" the room got silent and I squeaked out, "I do...something really weird happened to me yesterday and I was wondering if anyone else had experienced this or if my brain is just messing with me".

Yesterday was the most 'triggery' day I've had since I got out of the house.  From the moment I woke up until the moment I went to bed I could smell vodka. All. Day. Long. In my bedroom, on the bus, all day at work and then again when I was in my room getting ready for bed.

Several of my friends said that they had experienced things that were similar - one friend related that occasionally everything he drinks tastes like whiskey and one of the other group members related that during her second month of pregnancy she could taste and smell heroin. All. The. Time. Dennis my former therapist was furiously googling the condition that I spoke of and he asked me if I had been experiencing any respiratory conditions and/or infections. I said that I had been experiencing allergies but that was it.

Finally, Tony the owner of our center sat up and asked the question that everyone in the room especially me was wondering, "Ang, how did you not drink?"
Ang: I have no idea. I thought about it all day and night. I had an amazing day at work and then when the cravings continued I went home, journaled about other stuff and worked on birthday cards until bedtime. Mostly, I consumed myself with self care and tried to distract myself.

Honestly, I have no idea why I didn't drink last Tuesday but I'm so glad that I didn't. I have a big anniversary coming up next week and I really want to hit it and have that success under my belt. I do know one thing for sure, this addiction is a beast. A live, terrifying and totally distracting beast. All it wants to do is ruin my life - one battle at a time and all I want is to find my healthy happy so that I can win the war.

Self Care - EW's Binge Podcast!! #trypod

A lot of the success I've had in my recovery is due to finally taking care of myself. Now that I believe that I'm worth it and that I matter it's very important for me to remember to continually look for ways to improve my self care. One thing that I absolutely LOVE is listening to podcasts and now that my commute is so long it is an even bigger obsession of mine. Tonight on the train, I listened to the final installment in EW's Binge podcast review of Friday Night Lights. FNL has been off the air for *several* years but each and every second of each and every episode of Binge made me smile, laugh out loud, awwww and nearly burst into tears as I listened to Darren Franich and Sam Highfill review the perfection of the series. I loved Darren and Sam's commentary, loved listening to old clips and loved even more the bits of interviews they conducted with the cast members. Everything about it makes my heart so very happy! I fully recommend that anyone who was a fan of the show spend some time reliving the magic of Tami and Eric Taylor, Street, Smash, Riggins, Saracen, Julie, Landry and the rest of the fabulous gang.

I'll leave you with the the final words of Coach Taylor (from the DVD not the broadcasted final episode):

Gentleman, the time has come for me to move on. I will always remember the feeling of that hot breeze slapping my face as I walked onto the field on a hot Friday night in Texas. The sizzle of the hot dogs the grilling of the concession stand, the smell of the grass, the vibrations from the bleachers as the crowd first roars and all of your hopeful eyes shining out from under those helmets and you will always be part of me. My heart and my soul, you are my family. I ask only this, wherever you go whatever you do remember this time. Remember this time when together we accomplished the impossible. And know wherever I go and whatever I do I will take these memories with me. I will cherish these memories always.

#texasforever
#cleareyesfullheartscantlose
#trypod

My Journey to Happy Healthy

I'm going to be blunt, and honest and raw and real - my life freaking sucks on paper. I'm a 40+ year old single woman living in my parent's basement. I have no money, no car, few friends and all of my belongings are in a storage unit without much hope of things changing in the near future. Want to hear a secret? Even though all of the above is true, and believe me it is -  I am happy for the first time in my life! Sure, I have good days and bad days but for the first time in years I feel pure happiness and joy. Today marks day 169 in my new life.  A lot of people would say that they are 169 days clean and sober, which I am, but I prefer to look at it a bit differently and look at it as my journey to Happy Healthy. It took years to get me to this place but I'm so grateful for the friends and family that have stuck with me through very bad times, who literally moved me out of a horribly unhealthy relationship and life and gave me another chance to live and to find my true self.

For the last 169 days I've learned two very powerful lessons - one is that I. Am. Enough. I've never in my life felt enough of anything. Never good enough or worth enough or special enough but thanks to St. Brene Brown and a team of exceptionally talented therapists and support staff I can honestly say that I am Enough. And if I'm not enough for certain people then they aren't enough for me. The other very important lesson I've learned is to "Try Different Not Harder". I can attest as anyone in recovery can attest that trying harder simply doesn't work. It is infuriating, defeating and unrealistic to *try harder* to get well, to stop drinking, to stick up for oneself, etc. etc. etc. but now that I focus on trying differently I've seen worlds of difference happen to me. Doors that have never been open are now open. Instead of being a magnet for damaged people that do more damage to me I now have good, positive, life changing people coming into my life each and every day. I've been able to revive old relationships that have needed a great deal of TLC and I've been able to devote myself to doing my little part to making the world a better place. At the same time taking care of myself with self care, meditation, therapy, exercise, setting boundaries and starting over.

This last weekend I had some art work added to my body as permanent reminders to me that the next 169 days and 10,000,000,000 after that will be better, fuller and more precious than ever.